My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
3 2 1 whiskey
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
