I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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