you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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