I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
