every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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