And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
