Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
