I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
