I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
