His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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