dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
