Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
