Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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