Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize