theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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