Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
