Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize