I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
