she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
