Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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