About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
