what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
