my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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