im drinking this country out of the recession.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
