I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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