Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
