census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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