So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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