You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
