Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
