Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
