If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
