i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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