just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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