I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
