apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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