My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
