good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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