True but thats because hes a fetus.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
