turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
