Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
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