In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I looked at my own cervix.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
