I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
