just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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