Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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