last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
