I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
