i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
