If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
