you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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