If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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