I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
