I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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