You smell like stripper and shame
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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