I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
