I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
