the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
