Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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