plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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