Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize