I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
