I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
