I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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